Supporting a colleague with menopause or perimenopause doesn’t have to be big or complicated. There are small things anyone can do to help, such as these 4 suggestions from Helen Clare.
When we realise we’re watching our colleagues, our friends and our partners deal with the challenges of perimenopause and menopause, it’s only natural we want to help. But sometimes it’s hard to know what to do – and sometimes our well-intentioned efforts can go down the wrong way. Here’s my take on how to get it right.
1. Be informed but not the expert
Find out what you can about perimenopause and menopause but let the person experiencing it be the expert. You don’t need to tell them about it or offer solutions. You just need to know enough for what they’re telling you to make sense and to relieve them of the task of giving you lengthy explanations.
As an aside, I can tell you that I’m always meeting people (I won’t mention any genders) who want to tell me everything they know about menopause. I personally don’t mind because I recognise the intention behind it, which is usually to let me know they’re on side and comfortable talking about it. I also regard it as part of my job to talk to lots of people about menopause! But I’m not in the thick of it. I’m past the chaos of perimenopause and have my post-menopausal health issues well-managed. It’s not a sensitive subject for me but it may well be for those to whom you’re trying to offer your support. They don’t want to know what you know, they need you to listen. Honestly that’s the most precious gift you have to give.
2. Ask open questions
Ask questions such as, “What’s going on?”, “How are you feeling?”, “What do you need? And then shut up and listen without judgement. Don’t offer advice unless it is asked for. And please wait a few seconds after they’ve stopped just in case there’s more. If they don’t want to say anything, that’s ok too. Either way, stay present with them and let them know you care.
3. Enable practical support
If you’re in a position to be able to offer practical support or help find adjustments at work, please do! Start those discussions by asking what your colleague is finding hard and talk about what they need. Try to avoid questioning someone about what’s ‘wrong with them’ and don’t expect them to give details about their perimenopausal or menopausal experience. It may be meant well, but it risks putting someone in a defensive position where they feel they have to prove that their problem is real.
Many of us have a lot of experience of being disbelieved and dismissed when we have health issues, and we could really do without our brains starting off down that track. That’s a conversation that will end up with everyone feeling worse – and we want a conversation that ends up with everyone feeling better!
4. Speak up to the ‘yes, but’-ers
You know what I mean. ‘Yes, but it’s just natural.’ ‘Yes, but there’s no point making a fuss.’ ‘Yes, but my mum was fine.’ ‘Yes, but it’s no-one else’s problem.’ Gently remind them that we’re all different. Let them know you believe the people you’ve spoken to. Advocate for kindness. And if you’ve been reining in your menopause geekery and your desperate desire to share your knowledge, this is when you can go for it!
Summary
It’s important to say that we don’t always get it right – particularly in the busy environment of a school where the children and young people we work with are our main focus.
There are always everyday abrasions that happen because we’re in a rush or thinking about something else and don’t give enough time or thought to things. The danger comes when we also don’t have time to tend to that damage and the abrasions stay sore and sometimes even build up. So, we need to make that time.
It’s ok to get it wrong because it’s a sign that you’re trying. Apologise, smile, offer cake.
Author
Helen helps schools and teachers deal with perimenopause and menopause so that they can focus on the learners they care about. She wants to see all teachers in the classroom working to the best of their ability without a cost to their own wellbeing.
